Alright, so my marathon was cancelled. Yep, my 20th marathon that falls on my 36th birthday – rug pulled out… done. My friends started cancelling before the race did so I didn’t have a lot of hope. I’m more pissed off that I don’t get to spend time with them than I am about the fucking race.
How do I feel about this? I’m pissed dude! Why shouldn’t I be? 4 months of training. A couple hundred bucks. Hours and hours of time training and running. Juggling a schedule, motivation, discipline most of the time – because motivation was lacking a lot of the time. All of this alone, convincing myself I was going to make up for it by spending hours and days with women I’ve ran almost all of my miles with the last 4 years. I was finally going to see my friends again. I was going to be around people that I love and spend quality time with moms talking about everything I’ve been bottling in for months. Or none of it, and just completely savoring the time spent with my fucking friends.
Well, that’s gone. So they aren’t coming because of COVID. And it wasn’t more than a couple of hours after they started calling it that the race itself called it. And then twist the knife and offer no refund (fine), partial refund (ugh, fine), or deferral (wtf?). Great, so I get to run a virtual fucking marathon by myself to “earn” the swag. At least they’re mailing it for free. Most expensive shipping fee I’ve ever paid for.
Okay, okay, don’t take it out on the race organizers, Amy… Hey – I’m not! And I’m totally allowed to be upset at this for a minute… Deal with it. I’m not going to feel bad about feeling bad that my race isn’t going on or that my friends aren’t traveling, deal with that. I’m going to allow myself to be frustrated AND THAT’S FINE. I am frustrated. I am sad. I am pissed off. I am depressed. I have cried – MORE THAN ONCE. You want me to act like it’s all okay and just put aside the training, the mental and emotional hype I had, the hard work, sacrifices, time, money, sleep, like that doesn’t bother me? Sorry, wrong fucking blog.
I’m purposely NOT posting this on the race’s social media posts, walls, pictures, etc. I’m purposely NOT tagging which race it was (because it doesn’t matter, I’d feel the same way regardless of which race it was). I’m not railing against the decision that was made or why it was made or when they decided to call it – or how for that matter. That’s something very different and if you ARE doing that, get a grip… There’s a lot of things happening to people, businesses, organizations, and the likes in between that are out of our control and this is one of them.
I’m not going to focus on what I can’t control. (well, as much as possible because let’s face it, I have more than just “general” anxiety, and a beautiful blend of PTSD, postpartum depression, and panic attacks so there’s a lot of focusing going on but #wishfulthinking) I am going to try and create energy around the things I can control. I am going to finish my last weekend of taper runs (never thought I’d be wishing for longer runs right now…), I’m going to go buy my fuel for next weekend, I’m going to get my final strength training sessions in and yoga (and make PLENTY of time for PLENTY of meditation because the chatter in my brain is nonsense!). I’m going to set up an event on Facebook and invite my friends and family to run, walk, or move with me next weekend. I’m going to run my 26.2 mile virtual marathon on my birthday when it was scheduled to “earn” my swag that the organization will be mailing me at some point. And then I’m going to run an additional 9.8 miles to round out 36 miles for my 36th birthday. And guess what, I’m going to drink all the free beer because I work at a brewery and that’s part of the perks!
So if you’d like to join me next weekend, feel free to use the hashtag #Amys20thmarathon on IG (stories or in your feed). I’ll be celebrating and reposting anyone who joins me. You can also join on FB (https://www.facebook.com/events/642525443213596/). And remember – it’s totally okay to be frustrated right now. Honor that in yourselves or in others, but let’s also find reasons and ways to “come together” and enjoy life, whether that’s 6 feet away from someone, or 1600 miles away from someone.